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Falling Behind

It was a cold night in the middle of October in the suburbs of California. Dan had decided to take a walk in the park and feel the cold air. Occasionally the wind would gust and he would regret not bringing a hat. He buried his hands deeper in his jacket pockets in an attempt to find more warmth to no avail. What he did find was a familiar poke at his fingers and he pulled out a folded polaroid picture that he kept in that jacket. He stopped walking under a streetlamp, shivering as a few fallen leaves brushed against his cheek as they flew by him. He opened up the photograph, even though he had previously committed every detail of it to memory.

It was a picture of his friend Molly. The yellow glow from the streetlamp glared on the creases of the folded polaroid, but he could tell exactly what was there. Her pointy nose, crinkled on the sides from her wide smile. Her big warm hazel eyes. Her carefully applied makeup and her somehow perfectly brushed auburn hair. Her soft green sweater that she refused to replace despite its age. It was all there on the polaroid as it was after he shook the picture comically in the air in front of her as he waited for it to develop.

Molly moved away to go to the University of Alberta in Edmonton a few months earlier. After she left she would call and they would stay up late talking a few times every week. She hadn’t called in the past few weeks. Dan guessed it was because she was busy now that school had started. She was always the one destined for great things. Dan didn’t think he was destined for anything. He was still living in California with his parents. He liked his parents, but he missed Molly a lot more. He felt like he was stuck, and that being stuck kept him from living.

When he asked her how she wanted to spend her last day in California, she said she wanted to be with him to talk and hang out. She was so smart and real. She didn’t want a party or a movie, but the most nonmaterialistic thing anyone could ask for. She wanted friendship. Dan wished he were more like her. She must have made new friends in Canada. They deserved her more than he did. He missed Molly because she made him more like her.

For Those Who Have Fallen

As the strings wail, and how they fall me to sleep,

All I can think is of all of the hurt

and all of the cretins who dance on the graves

of the poor violinists who pluck and grind their bows

~

And as I think these thoughts 

as loud as the hell that resides on our planet

I shed tears for those most beloved to me

But mostly to them

~

When I do wake

with a painful gasp

I remember the strings

and their cries of fear

~

And I feel bad for feeling pain

because the pain that they felt

could not be measured or compared to

by my own mere nightmares.

~

After which I mutter angrily at myself

“Goodnight poor souls!

May you feel pain as merciful as mine,

so you too may experience sighs of relief!”

~

“Because your scars are memories,

and your memories are scars!

And although they will never heal,

you may at least be able to pretend!”

For Abby. I wrote her a poem for her birthday.

Falling Through

Tempt me with your lies

move me with your cries

you friendly demon.

~

You simple minded rock

blowing until I fall

until I slip.

~

Relief of pain

gasping for breath

when I die you will sleep.

The Dream Box

The dream box whispered into my ear as it flashed a faint fuzzy light onto the Other’s face. I turned and blinked and saw the reflection of the box in its eyes briefly. A warm reassuring reflection. It felt safe. Everything was safe, and I felt a strong bout of nostalgia. I sat at the dream box like this with my Older. However, this warm, safe feeling was tweaked slightly this time. I felt lighter this time. And the warm feeling was centered in my stomach, instead of throughout my body.

The Other turned to me looked at my soul through my eyes. It relaxed its shoulders as it turned back to the dream box, smiling. A film about the old west was playing. What silly dreams the box had. Silly, yet complex and elaborate. I still didn’t understand why it dreamt when you plugged it into a power source. I wish I could dream like it could. Unfortunately there isn’t a power source I can be plugged into.

I yawned and sleep crawled through me in sections, starting with my eyes. The Other saw the sleep inside of me and reflected my actions in its own eyes, like the dream box had, moments ago. Or was it hours ago? My head started falling back, hoping for a soft landing. The box dreamt me to sleep and I woke up what felt like seconds later.

I did not dream. I could not be plugged in. Only the boxes can dream.

Inter-monologue

I don’t have any enemies. Well. I have one enemy.

Time.

I want to do and learn all of these things, but Time always wins in the end. Now that I think about it, it’s a little ironic that the only way to stop my enemy from keeping me from all of these things is to have more of it.

Time.

It’s also my biggest fear. I don’t have fears of bugs or garden gnomes. I have a fear of Time. Not time. Time. I wouldn’t piss myself if someone asked me the time. I’m talking about Time. The ultimate force that never stops moving. Not the numbers we transformed it into. The ongoing momentum that never stops. Time doesn’t end. But we end because time keeps going. However if time stopped going, we wouldn’t end, but we wouldn’t be able to keep going either.

Time.

My worst enemy is my best friend.

The Moon Shall Fall

The moon shall fall and the sun shall rise

and the storm will disappear.

The storm will die and the birds will fly

and the demons will bring no fear.

~

Death and destruction will be no more,

the cold and the dark will falter.

The friends of the light will open their eyes

and live happily thereafter.

~

But the cold and dark comes yet again,

as the sun begins to set.

The shadows appear and the people feel fear

and the demons begin to beset.

The blackness sets in as the citizens cower

and the demons feel nothing but tall.

But the darkness and fear will never overpower

because yet again, the moon shall fall.

Prologue

The refreshingly cool San Diego breeze in the Summer air tickled my cheeks as I grasped the warm sand in my hands. I blinked and squinted my deep brown eyes at the blaring sun as I pretended the sand was another hand interlocking its fingers in mine. Alas, it wasn’t as satisfying as a real hand. I pulled my hands out and turned my head to Henry.

“Henry,” I said.

“Yeah Zach?” His light brown hair was swaying back and forth in the wind and his blue eyes shimmered in the light. His slightly burned cheeks looked like they were blushing.

“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?” I asked nervously.

“Sure… What’s a boyfriend?” his eyebrows raised questioningly.

“Well, it’s when two boys like each other.” The sun forced my eyes to squint and my cheeks hurt from the constant contraction of my muscles.

“Ok. I guess I’ll be your boyfriend then.” A huge smile spread across my face and I had a warm aching feeling in my stomach, but I didn’t mind it.

“Okay Henry, hold my hand.” I bit my lip again. I thought I tasted blood, but I dismissed the thought when he interlocked his fingers in mine.

“Why are we holding hands?” Henry wondered curiously.

“That’s what boyfriends do,” I suggested.

“Oh, I think I get it now.”

I told him to come with me and I squeezed his hand in mine and pulled him up off of the sandy beach. We walked back to my house and I dragged him upstairs into my room. My bare, still sandy feet, slid across the carpet with each step and he kept up behind me so our hands wouldn’t separate. I started to let go of his hand to see what he would do, and he squeezed back, making me smile. We sat on the floor in my room and turned on the T.V. My parents usually weren’t home until dinner, so I became a fairly independent eight year old.

After a few episodes of Spongebob, Henry let go of my hand.

“I’m sweaty,” he apologized.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to hold hands all the time,” I said knowledgeably.

“Okay. Zach, how long are we gonna be boyfriends?” he asked curiously.

“Only until one of us wants to stop, I think.” I hoped he didn’t want to stop.

“Oh. Well I don’t ever want to stop. I really like you Zach,” he smiled.

“You do? …Should we kiss?” I asked.

“Sure. Except I don’t know how,” Henry said with a giggle.

“Hmm… Have you ever watched T.V. with your mom and she tried to put her hands over your eyes, but you saw the T.V. anyway?”

“Oh yeah!” he remembered.

“Do what they did on T.V.,” I said.

We both puckered our lips and leaned our heads into each other. Our lips touched and we held our heads where they were. I hadn’t kissed anyone before, so I didn’t know what to expect. His lips were cracked in some places from the sun at the beach, but I didn’t mind. After a few seconds we pulled away and stared at each other.

“That was fun!” Henry said.

“Yeah!” I agreed. 

Henry left about two hours later. He said his parents wanted him home by three, and that it was very important. I hugged him before he left and I didn’t want to let go of his short lanky body, but eventually he pulled away. I smiled and waved and he closed the front door behind him. I couldn’t wait to see him again tomorrow. He only lived a few houses down so we played together often.

The next day he came over to my house a few minutes after my parents left for work. Henry knocked on the door and I ran excitedly, knowing it was him, and opened the door. He stood there with a sad frown on his face. My smile disappeared immediately and I asked him what was wrong.

“My dad told me that we were moving to New York,” he said mournfully.

“What? When?” I asked frantically.

“I’m leaving in an hour. I wanted to say goodbye before I left,” he said.

“Oh… I guess we can’t be boyfriends anymore…” I wanted to cry and I felt my eyes tearing up.

“I guess not…” he said sadly. We stood there in silence for a few minutes. I stared at my feet, not wanting to look at him, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to look at him again in an hour. I shivered as the breeze drifted through the open doorway.

“I’m gonna miss you,” I said, looking back up at him. His eyes sparkled and I saw tears rolling down his face.

“Yeah, me too,” he said, trembling.

I heard his dad yell for him from his soon to be empty house. I winced and clenched my fists, trying not to completely break down. I was surprised to feel his hand on my face, lifting up my chin. He leaned his head into mine and kissed me for what would be the last time. His lips were still cracked and I pushed my head into his and felt the tears from his cheeks rubbing into my cheeks. He let go and we hugged again. I buried my face in his shoulder and he mirrored my actions. He let go when his dad called for him again and started walking back to his house, repeatedly turning his head back to look at me until he went inside of his house. I slammed the door in frustration and sat right where I was standing. I cried with my head in between my knees. I decided to go up to my room to cover my ears with my pillow so I wouldn’t hear the moving truck pull out of his house.

Poetry

I’ve never been too good at poetry. So I thought it was time I tried my cold clammy hands at short poem. This is the result. Obviously.

Warmth and Panic

Cold creaky cabin on the lakeside

Panic and warmth

Roaring flames tickle

my cold clammy hands

Warmth and panic

Treacherous tree branches

Screaming in pain

Scraping the glass protection

Protection from panic

But panic nonetheless

Warmth and Panic

Separated by a layer of glass

And I still feel cold.

Nostalgia

I looked back on my writing from just a few years ago and I was extremely surprised at how terrible I was and how much I’ve improved in just a few years.

Also I appreciate that I can turn this: I woke up and got out of bed.

Into this: My eyelids became cinderblocks overnight and I found my hands in a beach as I wiped the immense amount of sandy substance from my eyes. I made myself aware of my body parts and their muscles. I test drove my feet and felt the friction of my toes rubbing against one another. I turned and reached for my glasses, but the nightstand must have moved during my slumber because I felt a stabbing pain in the back of my hands as I bumped it against a sharp corner of wood. I recoiled and went for a second try, successfully wrapping my fingers around the cool plastic frame of my glasses. My arm bent in the usual spot at my elbow and fumbled to open up and put my glasses over my face. My other arm helpfully reached over and pushed the frame over my ears and onto my face. With my eyes still closed, wanting to keep the feeling of sleepy relaxation from only minutes ago, I shifted so they slipped out of my safe blanket and hung limply off the side of my bed. The crisp air in my room raised the hair on my legs immediately and I cringed, knowing the rest of my body would soon feel the same frigid air. I lowered my feet to the floor and regretted it when my anticipation of the cold floor appeared abruptly. I winced and reluctantly sat up on the side of my bed. I sighed and opened my eyes, seeing shimmering sparkles as a result of picking my head up too quickly. I strained my leg muscles to pick the rest of my body up off of my comfortable bed and tried to balance myself desperately as I started tipping over forwards. I sighed again thinking of what I would face that day. I left my room, but not before looking back longingly at my bed, knowing that I couldn’t fall back down onto the soft cradling sheets and sink my head back into the warm darkness of my pillow and drift back into the fantastic temporary death that is sleep.